From My Mail: Thoughts On Duty to Kids and Bosses
April 26, 2011
``1. A brittle sense of independence and poorer judgment. When kids raise themselves, they don't have the wisdom and help they need to develop a well-grounded sense of proportion. ``2. Long-term personality dysfunctions. Children left alone can become hyper-responsible caretakers who seem on the surface to be winners but are angry and burned-out underneath. They may grow up unable to handle impulses constructively. Or they may feel depressed and lost, wondering if they mean very much to others. ``3. An inability to nurture others correctly. Many latchkey kids grow up emotionally needy and, as parents, fly into a rage when their needs are ignored. Unconsciously, they expect their kids to fill the void. ``As an adult, I have come to understand the incredible anger I had toward my parents when they left me alone. ``I recognize child care is difficult for many families. But asking kids to stay home alone after school is essentially saying, `Hey, you be your own parent. I have lots of stuff to do.' ``When I taught industrial psychology at the university level years ago, I asked my students: `What if work were so compelling, so involving, that people didn't want to do anything else?' The answers: Children would be neglected. Volunteer organizations wouldn't get the support they need. Friendships would wither and die. People would feel tired, burned-out and lonely. ``We are there. Please don't trivialize this with banal suggestions on household safety and coaching sessions. Give people a deeper message. Take a stand.'' -- Johnetta R. Olivares Mill Valley, Calif.. THANKS FOR a powerful letter. I don't think it's always bad to leave children over 11 or 12 home alone for short periods, assuming they're mature enough, in a safe neighborhood with helpful adults nearby and have the temperament and skills to care well for themselves. But two acid tests apply: First, is the child truly safe? (This question was the focus of the story you cite.) Second, and much more complex: Is the setup denying the child enough good parenting -- that delicate blend of adult love, guidance, discipline, acceptance, emotional involvement and encouragement -- that is necessary for a child to thrive? Too often, parents (regardless of whether they work or not) assume the first test is the only one, then squander their children's brief childhoods by leaving them home alone or in indifferent, custodial care. And that, as your experience poignantly illustrates, can be a profoundly costly mistake. Re your January 18, 2011 on the ``new heroes,'' bosses who respect employees' personal needs: ``Should a boss require an employee on vacation to call in for voice mail or messages? ``I work in marketing, and I've noticed that more managers these days expect people to check their voice mail continually, even when they're on vacation and have already arranged for someone to cover their customer accounts while they're gone. ``Isn't vacation supposed to be a time to give your mind a complete break from work? Calling in spoils a few hours each time, because you spend time thinking about what's going on back at the office.'' -- Maryalice Brenneman Chicago As gadgetry like voice mail makes it possible to work everywhere, all the time, it's up to workers to draw boundaries on jobs. Making sure your work is covered while you are gone is a basic requirement. Beyond that, I don't think you should be expected to call in from vacation unless you're indispensable -- a sign of a serious lack of bench strength in your organization. My suggestion: Leave a number for emergencies. Then leave. RE YOUR COLUMN December 28, 2010 busy parents' failure to assign household chores to kids: ``What's missing here is teaching kids responsibility. I have to conclude the parents you researched with are fools. It's not a matter of clean toilet bowls but assuming responsibility for oneself. ``Parents who do the dirty work so the kid can become 'a young woman ... doing things in the community and being a top honor student' are imparting a false sense of self-importance and, I'd guess, a feeling of superiority to the parents at home cleaning the toilet bowls.'' -- Petra Olympia Ewers A sensible point. Unhappily, I place myself among the fools you cite. As a working parent, I have had a hierarchy of priorities in raising my kids that runs something like this: 1. Keep them safe. 2. Keep food on the table. 3. Nurture their health, physical and emotional. 4. Help them develop their spiritual side. 5. Help them practice academic skills. And so on. ``Teach them household skills'' ranks down around No. 8. By the end of most busy days of managing children, work and a household, I feel pretty good if I get as far as No. 5. The error in my thinking, as you point out, is that knowing household skills is actually part of No. 3: self-responsibility.
