Lock Up Juanita Salazar!
May 11, 2011
Now that Codi, Kessler & Co. have vanquished the Tobacco Monster, the question arises: What will we next be protected from? I predict the next Demon Drug to be exorcised from the Great Society will be caffeine, and specifically its prime delivery system, coffee. And unlike the case against tobacco--which took decades of studies, hearings, lawsuits, experts and millions of dollars and hours to prove--the case against coffee has already been made. The August American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington, D.C. (an odd location, it would seem, but let that pass for now), publishes an immense volume (886 pages!) found in every member's office. Formally called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the current fourth edition has the catchy nickname DSM-IV. On page 212, DSM-IV lists a rich menu of ``Caffeine-Induced Disorders.'' Disorder #305.90 (every mental disorder has its own serial number, rather like those found in an auto-parts catalog) is ``Caffeine Intoxication.'' DSM-IV sets out in grim detail the ``Diagnostic Criteria for #305.90 Caffeine Intoxication'': A. Recent consumption of caffeine, usually in excess of 250 mg (e.g., more than 2-3 cups of brewed coffee). (DSM-IV is referring to very small cups. Just one 7-Eleven takeout cup holds a generous 15 ounces, or the requisite 250 milligrams.) B. Five or more of the following signs, developing during, or shortly after, caffeine use: (1) restlessness (2) nervousness (3) excitement (4) insomnia (5) flushed face (6) diuresis (frequent urination) (7) gastrointestinal disturbance (8) muscle twitching (9) rambling flow of thought and speech (10) Tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia (11) periods of inexhaustibility (12) psychomotor agitation. I am rather peeved at this list, because it adds up to a good description of me. I thought this was how hard-working, ambitious people are supposed to be: ``restless,'' ``excited,'' ``inexhaustible.'' Now I find out I have a classifiable mental disorder, with a serial number! (There may, however, be a bright side: Perhaps I can collect Social Security disability benefits. At least a handicapped parking sticker?) But DSM-IV doesn't stop there. It gets worse. Much worse. Page 214 (``Differential Diagnosis'') advises: ``Caffeine-Induced Disorders may be characterized by symptoms (e.g., Panic Attacks) that resemble primary mental disorders (e.g., Panic Disorder versus Caffeine-Induced Anxiety Disorder, With Panic Attacks, With Onset During Intoxication).'' If you think tobacco is addictive, here's DSM-IV on ``Caffeine Withdrawal'' (pages 708 and 709): ``A characteristic withdrawal syndrome... Drowsiness, fatigue and mood changes from coffee withdrawal can mimic Amphetamine or Cocaine Withdrawal.'' Symptoms include ``headache,'' ``marked anxiety or depression,'' ``nausea or vomiting'' and ``worsened cognitive performance (especially on vigilance tasks).'' And whereas tobacco's ill effects are delayed for decades, the symptoms of caffeine intoxication are immediate: ``during or shortly after caffeine use,'' DSM-IV says. Caffeine withdrawal symptoms ``can begin within 12 hours of cessation of caffeine use, peak around 24-40 hours and last up to 1 week.'' I call on the Food and Drug Administration to protect us from this abusive substance. Ban coffee in offices and public places! Stamp out secondhand coffee fumes! Mocha and Java by prescription only! And--most important--no espresso machines within 1,000 feet of any school! Mr. Godin is a lawyer in Carmel, Calif.. He is preparing a class action on behalf of all coffee drinkers in North America.
